i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
