it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I've blown a few things in my day
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
