I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
