and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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