This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
