she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
