How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
