I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
