Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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