Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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