I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
