I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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