I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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