I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
