literally had 100 drinks last night.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
