only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
