I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I love you. Go after that dick
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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