too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
