I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
