she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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