in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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