my mouth tastes like poor choices
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
