i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
