there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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