I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
