Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
