she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
