Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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