So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize