brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
