If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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