you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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