you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
