My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
