just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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