I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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