I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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