Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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