you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
