So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
