my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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