I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
