I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We were destined to go to rehab together
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
