Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
