i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
