apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
