I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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