Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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