We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize