I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
