My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize