I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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