Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
