It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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