She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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