My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize