i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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