Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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