I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
